What Was I Thinking?

It may seem a bit odd, but I love to take pictures of my girl sleeping.  Besides the fact that they all seem so sweet as they peacefully sleep, I often find myself marveling at the fact that they are even here.  These children, gifted by God, were desperately prayed for, cried over, and pursued.  There were many years of uncertainty that they would ever fill this room, these beds.  And yet, here they are!

Away from the hustle and bustle of the day-to-day chaos of raising three girls so close in age, watching them sleep is also a time when I think back over what it took to get them here.  And while there is mostly just amazement when I think of what God did, I'm surprised by how often recounting their story brings up almost a sense of fear in me.  Miss L's story in particular brings thoughts of I can't believe God did that and I followed!  That is so unlike me!  I must have been crazy, because that is something I would never do!  What in the world was I thinking...

...saying yes to doing an independent international adoption?
...saying yes to adopting from a country that has only done 6 foreign adoptions in the last 7 years?
...being our own travel agent and navigating travel requirements in Bhutan and India? 
...taking the risk that the US Consulate wouldn't issue her a US visa?
...piecing together what hoops to jump through without an agency's help?
...riding in a taxi by myself to the Consulate in New Delhi?

Seriously, I was crazy!

But what I'm finding is that just like God is in the business of giving grace for the day, I also believe He gives us bravery when it is necessary.  Looking back it is easy to see reasons to be terrified, and while I certainly had a sense of fear at the time of her adoption, I had a greater sense of God calling us to it that overcame my own hesitations.

One of my favorite verses is Habakkuk 3:17-19. (Amplified)

Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!

The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds’ feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!

Throughout the longing and yearning phases of building our family, I drew comfort in the first two verses.  Though I didn't yet have what I desperately wanted, I was determined to rejoice in the Lord.  My focus was on the word yet.

But in these hurried days of raising these girls who have remarkable God-stories, I find myself drawn to the last verse. Looking back in amazement at how God brought them to us and how He chose to use me in the process, and I am more convinced than ever that He was my personal bravery.

In circumstances that today would make me say no way, He gave me the strength and desire at that moment to move forward.

In situations that today would make me say that is too risky, He gave me the courage in those days to press on.

So today, when I am faced with parenting challenges that seem to great for me, may I lean on Him to give me the strength, courage, and wisdom necessary to press on.

He was my personal bravery in the amazing circumstances of Miss L's adoption, may He be so again today.

Where Are My Green Pastures? {Together Called 2014}

This past weekend Matthew and I attended Together Called 2014 in Pennsylvania.  Having attended this same conference last year, we knew we'd be blessed and refreshed.  This year did not disappoint.  In addition to soaking in the encouraging Truth shared by Beth and Steven Templeton, we were blessed to connect with some other couples we'd have never met if not for Together Called.  Couples who could relate to many of the things we have gone through, couples who were many years ahead of us in this parenting thing and could offer us encouragement, and couples who needed to hear encouragement from us.  What a blessing!

I also had the opportunity to lead a break-out session.  When I was trying to think through what God might have me share, I was a bit surprised where I landed.  Having had some specific and somewhat dramatic experiences in our adoption journeys, I assumed I would share something about those.  Instead I was lead to share about something I learned back in 2004 while on a two-week tour of Israel.

Below you can read part of what I shared.

                                          ______________________________

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures." 

Psalm 23:1-2

Green pastures.

We all want them, right?  Psalm 23 conjures up images of lush, green rolling hills, or perhaps an enormous meadow of knee-high green vegetation.

Seriously green.  Kentucky green.

Lush and more-than-enough.

What a gracious God we serve that he does indeed bless us at times in such huge ways that we feel this sense of being in those green, green fields, enjoying the enormity of his grace towards us!  Provision so full and complete.  More than what we expect.  But what if your adoption or parenting journey has you wondering...

Where are my green pastures?

You've struggled long enough.  The red tape continues to entangle you.  The wait doesn't get any easier, in fact, it lengthens.

Your child is home, but so far as you can see there are no green pastures.  The night terrors take their toll on everyone's sleep.  Your beloved child still feels like a stranger to you.  The stress of loving a hurting child is taking a toll on your marriage.

You ask, Where are my green pastures?

In my two-week hiking tour of Israel back in 2004, we trekked across the general area where David led his sheep, to see the setting of perhaps the most well-known passage of the Bible: Psalm 23.

And what we saw gave a whole new meaning to the concept of green pastures.  Take a look:

Aside from a few shrubs, you can see that these "pastures" are anything but green by our standards.  And yet, if you look closely, you can see a present-day shepherd still leading a flock of sheep over these very hills.

So what do the sheep eat? you may ask.  They are eating just one mouthful of young, green vegetation at at time, following the shepherd to the next mouthful. (See below.)

The sheep follow the shepherd's leading, trusting that he will lead them to what they need.  They can't just stand in one spot and eat their fill; they need to continue to follow their shepherd, staying near enough to hear his voice, to be lead to the next mouthful.

When the lush green pastures of God's provision seem non-existent, you are not being forgotten or passed over or left alone.  Your Shepherd is right there, leading you to mouthfuls of His grace. Just the mouthful of grace you need to remind Him of His care for you.

As my husband and I went through some pretty deep and dark valleys in our adoption journey, we found God's tender care for us revealed in these mouthfuls of green pastures; He continued to provide us with His grace for the day.  

The sermon that seemed as if it was written just for us.

The phone call from a friend.

The gift of a warm cup of coffee and a listening ear.

A note with an encouraging verse.

Mouthfuls of His grace provide through a community of believers who acted on His promptings.  Just enough to sustain us.  Just enough to encourage us to keep on the path, to remind us He sees us.

As you walk through your current valley, can you look back and see where God gave you a mouthful of green pasture?  Can you see how He has been providing grace for the day to remind you He is with you?  

This past weekend, at Together Called 2014, couples were encouraged to work together to make a list of where they have seen God's provision of mouthfuls of green pasture.  They were encouraged to record how each had been a source of grace for the day to the other.  Husbands and wives shared with each other what a "mouthful of encouragement" would look like to them, so their spouse could look for opportunities to be used by God to provide grace for the day.  We are God's hands and feet and He uses us to minister to each other, especially in times of struggle.

Have you felt defeated lately?  Left alone or abandoned by God?  Does your adoption journey feel hopeless and does it seem that He simply isn't working in your journey right now?  Are you struggling for the strength to patiently work towards attachment just one more day?  Ask God to open your eyes to the mouthfuls of grace He is providing.

Can you think of some people God has placed around you who are in need of some grace for the day?  Will you listen for those God-promptings to pick up the phone or drop them a note of encouragement?  You can be the mouthful they need to make it another day.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.  He makes me lie down in green pastures." 

Psalm 23:1-2

**NOTE: My Israel trip was led by Ray VanderLaan of Follow the Rabbi, and this blog post is based on one of the faith lessons he taught on our 2004 trip.**

Our {New} Family Picture

Not what you expected, huh?

Miss E is a wee bit into Little House on the Prairie lately.

She's also a bit of a boss leader.

She has also decided that she is Mary, Miss A is Laura, and Miss L is Carrie.

It doesn't stop there.

Matt is no longer "Daddy".  He is Pa.

And...

You guessed it!  I am Ma.

Annoying Cute, right?!

It would be cute if it lasted for a day.  Maybe even two days.

But, this has been going on for a week.

One week of being corrected when I call one of them by their real name.

That's my middle name, Ma.  I'm Mary.

Or if I tell them to go tell Daddy it's time to eat.

You mean tell Pa, right Ma?

Miss E is so convincing that even Miss L has been correcting me.

I'm Carrie, Ma.

And yes, they refer to each other as Mary, Laura, and Carrie.

All.  Day.  Long.

While I'm all for creativity and imaginative play, I'm wearing thin on patience with these name changes.

It could be that today is the SIXTH snow day of the year.  (FIFTH one since Christmas.)

And it's colder than Alaska here; too cold to venture outside for a change of scenery.

And we've been trapped enjoying time inside for days weeks on end.

It might just feel like the walls of our already-Little-House are closing in

I'm going to work on channeling my inner Caroline Ingalls and squeeze out every ounce of patience and kindness and graciousness I have today.

Even as I hear "Mary" call scream from the other room:

Ma!  Laura isn't helping me pick up!

Mercy.

Let's hope Pa gets home soon or I may turn into Mrs. Olsen.

Miss E {How Can It Be?}

Somehow, someway my baby grew up and went to kindergarten this fall.

How dare she!

She was even happy about it!  Look at that beaming face!

*sniff*

Don't get me wrong, I'm so thrilled that she was (and is) so excited about school.  I don't want to hold her back...

I just want to hold her again like I did when she was a wee one.  Just maybe for a good half an hour.  Just to rock and feel her warm little body snuggled up to mine.

Because those moments were as fleeting as everyone said they would be.

And...

coming to this parenting gig a little late in the game I did all I could do to relish each moment and treasure every ounce of goodness out of being home with her.

But all of that relishing did nothing to slow it down.

But I'm soaking in these moments just like they said to!  Why is time still marching by with such swiftness?

And so it goes.

The pink, wrinkled, looks-just-like-her-father baby went and grew up into a

silly, talkative, determined, persistent, creative-and-sometimes-emotional-like-her-mother little girl. 

Four More Weeks {Together Called 2014}

In just over four weeks Matt and I will attend Together Called 2014, a retreat for adoptive parents.

We went to the first retreat last year and loved our time away reconnecting, recharging, and refocusing.  Even though it was a nine hour drive to get there, it was well worth it.  We were able to have some great talks on our drive and loved being able to quickly bop into a rest area or grab a snack without unbuckling three car seats.  The Sparrow Fund did such a great job of blessing the socks off of the couples who were in attendance.

This year we will be carpooling with one of my WAGI "co-workers" and her husband.  To say we are excited is an understatement.  The main speakers will be Steven and Beth Templeton of Hope at Home.  (Love their blog!  Seriously, go like their FB page.  Then encouragement and perspective they give is so helpful!) I will also have the opportunity to lead one of the break-out sessions.  I'm really looking forward to meeting the couples who attend and making some new connections and friendships.

When I come back I'll try to do a post on my break-out session.  It's called "Where are My Green Pastures?"  Until then, I'm counting the days until we go!

My How They've Grown

Look what happens when one basically stops updating one's blog for months on end...the kiddos grow!  Here are Miss A's four year pictures and Miss L's three year pictures taken by my dear friend, Livie.

Miss A turned four (FOUR!?) in November.  

She weighs 28lbs. 12oz. (5th percentile) and is 3' 1" tall (11th percentile).

She's our sweet peacemaker who can also hold her own.

She's loved being the "big sister" when Miss E is at school.

She goes to speech 1 day per week, which she loves.  But her speech continues to be a struggle for others (and sometimes us) to understand.  Part of the difficulty is because she talks very fast, but her articulation is also very poor.  This past summer she did 12 weeks of speech 2x/week through our local hospital and enced up being "released" at the end of that time period because she wasn't making "sufficient gains to warrent continued help."  (How does that even make sense?  Sorry, your child hasn't made any progress, so we can't keep helping her.  Totally frustrating.)  Our prayer continues to be that she is mostly understandable by the time she begins kindergarten in 2015.

She continues to love her blankie, and her new favorite stuffed animal is Lambie (from Doc McStuffins).

She sleeps with no less than about 20 stuffed animals every night. 

 Miss L turned three in December.  No more babies around here.  *sigh*

She weighs 28lbs. 8 oz.(27th percentile) and is 35.4" tall (11th percentile).  (Yes, she and Miss A are basically the same size and wear the same size clothes, but you better believe they each know which outfits are "mine".)

She is our life-of-the-party, silly girl.  She loves to laugh and make others laugh.

She bounces and jumps her way through most days.

Her highs are highs and her lows are low, but short-lived.

She's talking a blue-streak and is probably more understandable to unfamiliar listeners than Miss A.  (I think that the fact that she had all of her repairs done in the States has made a huge difference.)

She loves her bear and plays with him every single day.  He is tucked in for a nap at least 100 times a day. 

These two girls have come a long way as sisters in the past 4 months, since Miss E began kindergarten.  In many ways they remain oil and water and often compete for my attention, hugs, arms, lap, etc.  (Can you say exhausting?) But with Miss E (the buffer) gone three days a week, these two have started to find their way.  They actually play really, really well together and love to be silly and play pretend together.  This has been a huge answer to prayer!

I am blessed beyond measure to call myself their mother.  I find myself thinking about their birth mothers frequently these days, wanting to share with them just how amazing these girls are, and wondering what traits may have come from them.

With these recent birthdays, our girls' ages once again all fall in line...3, 4, and 5 years old.

We are so blessed!

Science Questions

Always inquisitive and literal, my four year old looked at me at the end of our meal and asked, "Mom, how can God live in my heart if He is living in heaven?"

"Well, honey, God is everywhere, so He can live in your heart AND in heaven."

"Even when we go on vacation?"

"Yep, even when we go on vacation. He can be in both places at the same time.  That's kind of hard to understand, isn't it?"

Looking puzzled she replied, "Yes, Mom.  That's like a science question."

To her, a "science question" is a really hard question - a question whose answer is either "I don't know", or is too hard to understand. As I pondered our little conversation, I couldn't help but find so much truth in it.

Ask anyone who has adopted and they will likely tell you that it was during the course of their adoption that they saw God move in powerful, undeniable ways.  Those stories are such an encouragement to hear and are readily shared with others.

But most adoptive parents will also tell you that it was during the course of their adoption that they questioned God the most.   Why is this so hard, Lord?  Why are we hitting yet another road block?  Is this the child you would have us adopt?  Why are the feelings of love not coming as quickly as I assumed they would?  Why did our adoption fall apart?  When will the waiting end?  How can this be happening?

Hard, faith-testing questions. Questions that often have no earthly answer or explanation. 

"Science questions."

We all have them.  And I dare say that those "science questions" are just as important to share as our "success stories".  Sharing our struggles and questions - even unanswered ones - with each other allows us to experience authentic, faith-filled community.  You struggle with that?  I do, too!

It's also important to keep approaching God with our questions.  He's big enough to handle our questions.  Even our "science questions".  And while He certainly could give us answers, He just may be more interested in having us wrestle with Him over the questions.

Wrestling requires closeness.

Wrestling produces strength.

Wrestling may also cause hurt (as it did when Jacob), but with God it will be a hurt that will serve as a reminder of the holiness of God and the intimacy of your relationship.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. ... The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip.Genesis 32:24-25, 31

So share those questions with others in your faith-community.  Find support and community with others.  You are not alone in your questioning.  But also approach God with your questions. Wrestle with Him.  He longs to draw you closer to him and will use anything He can to get you there.

Even "science questions".